2012年的12月。記得去戲院看《Life of Pi》那天,看著近在眼前的戲院,我依然猶豫了很久,還繞了一大圈走上大半天好遠好遠的路,才決定走到售票櫃前買下一場電影的時間。才發現,原來在不知不覺中,生活的威力早已強大地足以把自己的慾望給壓低到看不見的界限內。就算這一次選擇看的電影是有一定的張力,讓人事後慢慢摸索回味。但,心底還是有個聲音冷冷地說著:那又如何?電影這回事,看也罷,不看也罷。再強大的電影都不足以影響個人對生活的態度。不論再有態度的劇情,都不過是他人的故事。就算這一刻還在念念不忘著,轉眼無聊龐大的生活依舊繼續存在著。生活並不會因此而改變,只是多了一個飯後話題而已。
後來,我繼續想著,那為甚麼連膠卷都不再碰了。是環境的關係嗎?還是這裡沖底的質素大不如從前?或是說我始終無法駕馭傳說中的掃描機?坦白說,這一年下來,當挑剔的缺點越來越多,我也開始以不碰來阻止失望蔓延。就算再怎麼習慣raw file的存在,拍照還是漸漸成為了給我錢花的一個舉動,而非讓我打從心底感覺愉快的習慣。曾經一度讓我倍感挫折的人像,如今卻好像吃飯喝水那樣正常,並慢慢進步著。只是打心底依然疑惑著,為甚麼他人可以正面地面對著每一個拍攝的人像,而我卻只能把自己個人的情感抽離以後,才不會過於難過地面對著一切。
說到底,當生活剩下的只是從前努力抵制的一切,我也不明白一切是如何演化而我又如何得以習慣的步伐。我開始在想,照這樣繼續走下去,還會遇見怎樣的風景?如今的我並沒變成以前幻想的自己。那十年以後二十年以後的我會變成怎樣的自己?如果現在的我,連朋友來訪都會從期待轉變為焦慮。那以後的我會不會為防止焦慮而落得連朋友都沒有的下場。記得那天,C不斷問著我,為何可以忍受如此甚麼都沒有的生活。我想我真的答不出一個所以然來。就算每一天我心深處都在掙扎辯論著。只是我比想像中還要懦弱。我無法在這裡得到我要的,而出外也未必能夠找到心中答案。就算如此,也只能如此。該走的路,要走的路,沒有人可以一直陪伴在旁,只可以一直走,獨自走,走到盡頭。
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